Okay. I have a problem. Now, while Derek Holland’s good fortunes were realized immediately after sitting down to talk with me, my more recent subjects have not been as lucky. Thomas Diamond is currently on the disabled list. Royce Huffman saw a slight dip in his batting average shortly after speaking with me. He has thankfully seen it rise back to where it was before the interview. And in a recent interview I gave Bob Hersom, I hinted that I might like to get Derrick Turnbow to sit down for one of these. And as Bob pointed out in that piece, Turnbow was granted his release the next day.
So, something has to change. Something to counter our mini-Redhawk curse. I know when I first started doing this I said I would try and feature the players from the number one rated minor league system, according to Baseball America. But I can’t afford to potentially jinx my teammates. So who can I talk to? It has to be someone who is very good. Someone this jinx will not apply to. Then it hit me.
I give you an ex-teammate of mine. Houston-born, former North Carolina Tar Heel, current Boston Red Sox farmhand, and a missing member of Jon Heder’s family, Daniel Bard.
BV: We’ll get right into it. Bardo, you and I made a mock public service announcement last year in Portland, Maine. Can you tell people what the subject of that was?
DB: I believe it was about equestrian-related DUI’s in the greater Portland area, and how it was a rising problem. I don’t quite remember everything about it it. We made some warnings and said what the punishments were.
BV: Can you remember what the warnings were?
DB: I can’t remember exactly what the warnings were. I remember the punishment was… I think it was like 30 days probation and up to a $100,000 fine. (laughs) Something along those lines.
BV: Okay. That’s good enough. My second question is a baseball question. One of my new teammates, Neftali Feliz, throws a hundred miles per hour. You get it up to a hundred miles per hour. And the common thread between you two is that you both do it so effortlessly. Now, I tend to look like a steroid addict having a seizure just trying to get 90. How do you make it look so easy?
DB: What is my secret? I’d have to say Mountain Dew.
BV: That’s your secret? You’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew?
DB: (laughs) I don’t know if there is any scientific data linking Mountain Dew to peformance… No. It’s just hard work in the gym.
BV: Ah, the gym. I guess that would be the reason for the differences in our velocities. Alright, dude. I have to ask this question because I watched so much Baseball Tonight during spring training. What is it like to have Peter Gammons (doing a Tarzan from your organs most directly responsible for reproduction)? Does it get uncomfortable when you’re sleeping at night and you roll over on him?
DB: (laughs, for a while) I don’t even know if there is a good response to this. I guess he’s so small that I don’t feel him there. (laughs, for a while longer) I don’t even know what to say.
BV: You okay?
DB: (laughing winding down) Yeah, I’m good. That reminds me. Have you seen Gammons’ new commercial?
DB: It’s like a Baseball Tonight commercial. It shows how he gets all of his information from around the league by using pigeons. Yeah, they’re all bringing him notes. (pause) So, to answer your question, no. It doesn’t get uncomfortable.
BV: Who’s that in the background (of your phone)?
DB: It’s just (Michael) Bow(den).
BV: Oh, put him on. I have to ask him a question.
MB: Yo, Beau. What up, dude?
BV: Not much, Bow. Hey, listen. I have to ask a question.
MB: Okay. Shoot.
BV: How much big league time do you have?
MB: I have two days which have resulted in about nine and a half hours.
BV: That’s about nine and a half more hours than Bard. Where’s Peter Gammons’ love for you?
MB: Well, he throw triple digits, dude. If I was Peter Gammons, I’d be all over him too. In fact, we’re going to have to start charging Peter rent. We already have Chris George on our couch. And every time Bard gets out of the shower, Peter’s right there. (laughs)
BV: (laughing) Fantastic. I love talking to you, Bow. Hand me back to Bard. Good luck the rest of the season.
MB: Later, dude.
DB: We might be taking this Peter Gammons thing too far.
BV: You might be right. Last question. If you met Jon Heder, a.k.a. Napoleon Dynamite, would the universe implode?
DB: My answer to that is… Did you know Napoleon Dynamite has an identical twin?
BV: I did know that. I watch the E! channel all the time.
DB: So you know I’m not him. I often get mistaken. And it would probably fly.
BV: But what would happen if you two met?
DB: Oh. The way it would go down. He would walk in. We’d lock eyes. And then p
robably have a staring contest for about thirty to forty minutes. I am looking forward to that day.
BV: Outstanding. Thanks a lot, Bardo.
DB: No problem, dude.
I know the majority of you who read this, 2, are Rangers fans. I had to break the jinx. So, I figured if I interviewed anyone outside of the system, it should be someone you may have heard of. And I apologize to Peter Gammons for making him seem like the “Geico” cash outside of Bard’s and Bowden’s apartment. Take care, all.