I am just under my three week deadline which would have triggered a clause to pursue an interview with Mr. Hicks or Mr. Ryan. Sorry. But I did move into a new apartment with my Frisco teammate, Brennan Garr.
Brennan’s girlfriend, Roni Blaylock, came to town a few days ago. And I thought it would be interesting to explore the difficulties minor league ballplayers face when being involved in a long-distance relationship. So, I sat them down and interviewed the pair. It was a long night after a game. I had a few “adult beverages.” And needless to say, when I played back the interview on my digital audio recorder, it sounded like a conversation between Walter Mathau after a couple Excedrin PM’s and comedian Bobcat Goldthwait with a wad of peanut butter in his mouth.
They were pretty cool and allowed me to interview them again. This is that session.
BV: Alright, Miss Roni Blaylock, Brennan Garr’s girlfriend. No relation to Hank Blalock because you don’t spell it the same way. I need a girl’s opinion here. Are taller men more attractive than shorter men?
RB: I don’t know why. I mean, I couldn’t ever see myself dating a short guy.
BV: So, Verne Troyer doesn’t do it for you?
RB: I don’t know who that is.
RB: (laughs) No. (Brennan laughs)
BV: No? Just a cute little guy? You know? Chuy? Chelsea Handler’s assistant?
RB: Mmm Mmm. (this would mean no, not like yum)
BV: No? Wow. I don’t know what it is. (Brennan laughs)
RB: At least six foot.
BV: At least six foot? Brennan, what are you measuring at? (Roni laughs)
BG: At least six foot. (Brennan is listed at 6’2″ on the Frisco website)
BV: At least six foot. Nice. Good answer. Yeah. Alright. So, the three of us were talking earlier about, you know, birthdays, Valentine’s Day and all this stuff. Now, Roni’s birthday is coming up in November. You got Valentine’s Day in February which you already said you’re not going to really do anything for. Because you’re boyfriend of the year. (Brennan laughs)
BG: Cause we blew it out last year.
BV: He blew it out last year. You spent two thousand dollars on a purse. (Brennan and Roni laugh) (the purse didn’t cost two thousand dollars) I don’t know. You have… You don’t have to tell me. But do you have any special plans?
BG: (laughs) No.
BV: No? (Roni laughs) I notice you’re laughing emphatically.
RB: Plans? You don’t plan anything.
BV: Do you ever just dream of doing something like completely unexpected? I mean, it’s perfect. You have the perfect setup. She is expecting nothing from you. Wouldn’t it be sweet to just like totally like… do something spectacular for her birthday or Valentine’s Day? And you would earn credit for like five years, or until you dump her again? (Roni and Brennan gasp with a little shock, then laugh) Well, I’m sorry. He said he dumped you earlier. And apparently he couldn’t stay away. Can you blame him?
RB: Yeah, I can blame him. (Roni and Brennan laugh)
BV: Yeah, you can blame him? No. You’re supposed to say, “Well, he has good taste.” What can I say? Come on. Something. Something is brewing in the back of your mind.
BG: I don’t know if I said…
BV: Wouldn’t you like to do something spectacular?
BG: Yeah, I did. That’s what the purse sitting on the ping-pong table was.
BV: The purse was it.
BG: It was totally unexpected. That could last for five years or whatever else you said.
BV: Alright. So, Roni, I’m going to ask you one of the questions I asked before. You need some time to think about it. What I mean by before is when we did the first interview where I completely screwed it up and was too (incapacitated) to recall what the hell was said. (Roni laughs)
RB: Are you (incapacitated) now?
BV: No, I’m good. What is the toughest part of dating a professional baseball player?
RB: The time apart.
BV: The time apart?
RB: Living separate lives. Not being together as much as we’d like to be.
BV: (long pause) I’m sorry. I have to wipe the tear from my eye. (Brennan laughs) And going back to our previous interview which no one else knows about, what’s the toughest part for him do you think?
RB: I don’t know. Brennan? (Roni laughs)
BV: Brennan, what’s the toughest part? (Roni cannot stop laughing)
RB: What was you answer last time?
BG: I think you answered it for me last time.
BV: Come on. We all know what you said. Just word it out so that the three or four people that actually read this junk can get a little laugh.
RB: Brennan will say it’s the lack of (coitus).
BV: Brennan, is it the lack of (coitus)?
BG: (laughs) No.
BG: That is tough to go through for six months a year.
BV: It’s alright. Priests do it. (Brennan laughs) Yeah, you know. Yeah, it’s possible. I can’t imagine how it’s possible. But it’s possible. (Brennan cannot stop laughing) I’m working on that myself.
RB: I come and visit.
BV: I’m working on that myself, by choice. (Brennan laughs) Not my choice. Every woman out there’s choice. (I think a little pee came out of Brennan right here) Yeah, you know. It happens. Okay, we’re gonna let people know. I want a quick little answer. I just exposed you guys to perhaps the greatest accomplishment in cinematic history. A movie called The Usual Suspects. I need your thoughts real quick. Did I do good? Did I expose you to a good movie?
RB: Yes, it was good.
BV: It was good?
BV: Twists, yes.
RB: Unexpected twists.
BV: How sexy was Kevin Spacey?
RB: I don’t know.
BV: I just like to picture him, with that limp hand, stroking my hair on a nice summer day in a meadow. With the little picnic thing spread out.
BV: Yeah, I mean come on. Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects didn’t scream sex appeal to you?
BV: No? Brennan?
BG: (laughs) Not as much as it got you going.
BV: I’m sorry. He does it for me. (this is all a joke) (i’m not gay) (not that there’s anything wrong with that) We all have our weaknesses. That’s one of mine. (Brennan laughs) Anything else you want to add to…
RB: What was the question you were going to ask me?
BV: I was asking how did you like the movie?
BV: Evaluate it.
RB: From a woman’s standpoint?
BV: Yes, a woman’s standpoint on a crime thriller that had like one woman in the movie. (Brennan and Roni laugh) Well, how did it rate? Give it a grade on like a school scale. Like B, B minus, A plus.
RB: I’d give it an A minus.
BV: A minus, wow. That’s… Brennan?
BG: Yeah, I’ll give it an A minus too. I did like it though. I like those kind of movies that make you think.
BV: That’s good. Well, I appreciate you both for the time. (Brennan mumbles) What’s that? (More mumbling) Oh, yeah. I completely forgot. (Roni is) from Alaska. You’re from the same hometown as Sarah Palin. Now, does your house have the same vantage point? Can you see Russia from your house? (Brennan and Roni laugh)
RB: No. Neither can she.
BV: She can’t see it? So, you’re calling her a liar.
RB: She cannot see Russia from her house.
BV: You’re calling her a liar!
RB: She lives on Lake Lucille.
BV: Actually, you’re calling Tina Fey a liar. (Brennan laughs)
BV: No? So Tina Fey was right?
RB: You can see Russia from a certain point in Alaska. It is not in Wasilla. But we’re closer to Russia than we are to the United States.
BV: Oh, so you’re keeping an eye on those crazy commies for us, huh? I’m just kidding. They’re not communist anymore. (Brennan and Roni laugh) They’re not communists. They’re fantastic. I love the borsch. (a little pee came out of Roni this time) It’s phenomenal. Alright. Thank you, both. I appreciate it.
I concede the subject matter tailed off towards the end. But that happens when the interviewer is (incapacitated). Brennan and Roni were very cool, especially to let me grill them twice. They’ve been together for five years. And I hope they’re together for, well, more than five more years. I have to go. I have to educate Brennan and take him to a jewelry store. He doesn’t seem to know what an engagement ring is.